Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
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me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.