Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly