Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
journal
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
what’s really going on
