[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
