Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

the council will decide your fate

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend