Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

When I snag the last meatball.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

some cats are just doing for fun!

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

jesus, what did this guy do

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.