Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

can you read it!!??

maan!

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.