Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Just say no

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.