Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Worst perfume name ever.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!