Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.