Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?