Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Try and stop me.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.