Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!