“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
and now we wait
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!