Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
ibopfufen
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.