Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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im all 3
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.