Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
lmao
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.