Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch
Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack
**simultaneous nods of respect**
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’ve learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
ME: Get in line, buddy.
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”