@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

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@ThaJawn

Kangaroo: *takes baby out of pouch

Me: *takes chapstick out of fanny pack

**simultaneous nods of respect**

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@Vodkantots

I’ve learned everything I need to know about stupid people from stupid people.

@david8hughes

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@Marlebean

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

@SortaBad

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

@Marcmywords2

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills