Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
🤣😂🤣😂
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout