Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.