Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.