Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”