Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
uncle dave has been through hell
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.