Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate