Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Not today. 😅

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart