Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.