[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
this was very charming
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.