[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
