Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…