Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

“i am a sweet baby”

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball