Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Note to self: always read the final line

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea