Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

A game married people play.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.