Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

The opposite of Iceland is water water

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors