Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

i feel so bad i refunded him

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?

her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.