Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”