Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.