Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

When he asks for feet pics

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

#NeverForget

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add