Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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meow
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon