Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Cat is stressing him out.
