Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Well, shit
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.