Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sooo many times…..
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.