Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.