Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor: