*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I didn’t come here to be called names
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life