To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.