“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”
Said a bunch of now single guys.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.
Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*
Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*
SG- Those aren’t your pants
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.