searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.