Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰