Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Aw man, but that’s the best part

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great