Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

is this a warning or an offer?

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope