Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
🤣🤣🤣
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.