Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
i can’t wait that long
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.