Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

i’m so sick of this guy

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”