Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories