Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?