Seas the day!!!!
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
lmao
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Life is a suicide mission.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.