Seas the day!!!!
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
(2022)
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: