seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
This made me chuckle.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.