seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT