seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You Might Also Like
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.