Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth