Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
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My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.