Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?