Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

“How’s your day going?”