Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Monday
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
lmfao come on
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The devil.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial