Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Me trying to “trust the process”

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.