Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Every BBC series about the universe.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.