@DurtMcHurtt
@JPLFR80
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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@JPLFR80
@AbbieEvansXO
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
@radtoria
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
@IndecisiveJones
me: what’s your favorite farm animal?
owen wilson: cow
@TwinSurvivalist
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
@JamesonN7
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
@sock_holliday
When I say books rule you say shhhh
Librarian:…
Me: BOOKS RULE
Librarian: SHHHH!
Me: BOOKS RULE
Librarian: SHHHH!
Me: awwww yeaaaah
@solomongeorgio
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
@GoodZiIIa
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
@FuckabillyRex
I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?