*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

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*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*


Laundry’s done.


“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.


pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..


flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.


*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”


When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.


A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.