*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

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[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.


Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.


[arrives at the gates of hell]
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”


The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right


Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.


i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it


[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.