@DurtMcHurtt

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

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@Sassafrantz

[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

@Fred_Delicious

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

@brendohare

The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@Lowenaffchen

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

@InternetHippo

ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.