@DurtMcHurtt

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

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@MollyCocktail

*pours gasoline*
*strikes match*
*tosses*

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Laundry’s done.

@papasuncle

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

@BuckyIsotope

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

@KyleMcDowell86

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

@DirtMcTurd

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

@goldengateblond

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.