@DurtMcHurtt
@Sassafrantz
[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
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@Sassafrantz
@dshack8
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
@Fred_Delicious
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
@brendohare
The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
@genehunter1
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
@Lowenaffchen
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
@ChipKellysBalls
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
@Busocco
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
@InternetHippo
ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
@HomeWithPeanut
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.