Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.