Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Yup….perfect score!
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.