Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I’m just playing devils avocado here