*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂