Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
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Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?