Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“How’s your day going?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.