[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister